My Mental Health Update

update

Hey, so this is something I haven’t written about in a long time and I feel super nervous to talk about this so go easy on me!

For a good few months things have been great and I have felt pretty good about my mental health and less like the world is exploding around me.

Recently, however, things have felt very different. If you’re reasonably new, you wouldn’t have known that last year I posted about my Depression Diagnosis and my First Counselling Session. I suffer with Atypical Depression which means:

“Atypical depression can be overwhelming, both physically and mentally. Unlike other types of depression, people with atypical depression can be briefly cheered up by positive events, but they overreact to negative events. A severe depression can be triggered by any feeling of rejection from a friend, boss, or loved one” – everydayhealth.com

Fun, eh? So while I have been going about my life reasonably happy, this niggle in my mind has stayed quite calm. Now, however, it’s like the sad and angry people in Inside Out reeking havoc in my mind. I feel lows and highs in every single day which is emotional chaos and I feel like I am constantly slipping from the standard I am meant to be at emotionally, academically and career wise.

I basically feel like everything is going wrong or sort of just not going. I feel pretty stagnant. Which to be honest, is a terrible feeling. A lot of it has been spurred on by recent events which has become very testing to the relationships I hold with the people around me and it’s really difficult for me to be okay with it all.

What is important is that I take time to breathe, go out and have a walk and clear my head and control the negative and consuming thoughts in my mind. I am a lot stronger then whatever is troubling me and each time I’m hit by Atypical Depression I fight harder to regain myself and I know this is the case (little bit of positive reinforcement there).

I apologise for such a deep post but I know that a lot of people used to message me about these posts and I wanted to update those that ask, and do care. There is also a large blogging community for those that need support or give support when it comes to mental health and I think it is extremely important to be open and talk about any struggles you may have.

So, at the moment, no I’m not okay – despite often seeming it – but I know I will be soon. I will resume with my nice happy posts from here, I promise!

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If you wish to speak to anyone about mental health please contact Mind: 0300 123 3393 or text 86463.

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68 Comments

  1. May 21, 2017 / 9:13 pm

    ❤️❤️❤️❤️

  2. May 21, 2017 / 9:25 pm

    Aww Ella, you can beat this bout. Keep fighting 🙂 <3

    • May 22, 2017 / 11:46 pm

      Gotta keep on grinding!! Thank you Angela, you’re such a gem xxx

  3. May 21, 2017 / 9:45 pm

    I don’t think you have anything to apologise for. It’s posts like these, that make people realise that life is not a world of happiness. It’s ok to not always be positive – in fact it’s human. I have battled depression – more so anxiety, but I had not really heard of the definition for atypical depression before. I wish you all the best. I always worry whether I sound patronising (I’m so sorry if I do), but you are not alone and you inspire hundreds of bloggers that follow you..so keep battling. You are definitely stronger! x

    • May 23, 2017 / 12:17 am

      Thank you so so much for taking the time to leave me a comment lovely. I am so sorry that you have had to battle both depression and anxiety, I’m sure you’re a much stronger person because of it! Thank you for being so open with me too, it means so much that you have shared that. I didn’t know what atypical was until my diagnosis so don’t worry! It is quite obscure because I won’t be “conventionality” depressed for long bouts of time and rather have long periods of being happy which follow sharp drops to lows with no particular trigger. Your words are so kind and really struck me, I have never really experienced such thoughtful messages. I am so lucky to be a part of this caring community and to have found people like yourself 🙂 Thank you so much xxx

  4. May 21, 2017 / 10:02 pm

    Sending lots of love. You have nothing to apologise for. Depression does not just go away, it’s a very challenging thing to overcome and cope with and it is completely natural to have periods of time where it perhaps comes back of seems worse. I used to suffer with depression and it took me six years to overcome. I too, would go through moments of elation and then moments of absolutely despair and numbness. It is something that has to be worked on constantly and you are so brave for opening up the way you have. I truly wish you find some peace within yourself. Understand you are an important, wonderful human being deserving of love and happiness. Know that what you are feeling is temporary as there are better days ahead, even if you do not feel like it right now xxx

    • May 23, 2017 / 12:13 am

      This was such a heartfelt post, I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to leave this. I am so sorry that for six years you suffered with depression and I am so so happy that you are constantly working on being recovered. Thank you so much for understanding the struggle that depression involves, explaining what’s happening inside your head seems like a losing battle at times!! Thank you so much for leaving me such kind words, I’m just overwhelmed by this response. I have screenshot this to save as a daily reminder xxx

  5. May 22, 2017 / 1:45 am

    I love how real you are! It’s refreshing to read about people who don’t have it all together, because in reality, none of us do. Looking forward to following along and reading more!

    • May 23, 2017 / 12:00 am

      Thank you so much darling, that is such a lovely comment. Exactly! So many of us use our online space as a way of controlling how we appear to the outside world, keeping all the bad bits out of sight which isn’t true to ourselves! Got to love all of our physical and mental lumps and bumps! I’m so glad you stopped by 🙂 xxx

  6. May 22, 2017 / 3:09 am

    Thank you for sharing your experiences and how you feel. You don’t need to apologize for what you’re going through, and I appreciate that you’re being so open about what you’re going through. I have not been to counseling or been diagnosed but I have seen a lot of posts on depression that have helped me realize that there was a point in my life when I really should have talked how I was feeling, as I spent months denying something was wrong. I think reading a post like this would have really helped me seek out a place to talk to someone and figure stuff out to get better faster so I’m glad you’re sharing this.

    • May 22, 2017 / 11:58 pm

      I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to leave such an amazing comment. I am too much of an open book to not talk about my lows, haha! There is definitely a huge population of people who have never been officially diagnosed with depression or other mental disorders but have definitely been sufferers. I’m so sorry that you have ever felt like you are one of those people, you deserve to be the happiest ray of sunshine there is!! I have taken so long to reply to these comments because they have all been so overwhelmingly nice – your final comments really choked me up! Gosh, if this post does that for one person, everything I do on WordPress would be worth it 1 million times over. Thank you so much for sharing xxxx

      • May 23, 2017 / 12:54 am

        You are just too sweet! I’m certain there is at least one person who has really been helped by your post, even if they don’t specifically say so! You post really is beautiful and incredibly inspiring that really showcases how strong you are. 🙂

        • May 23, 2017 / 9:30 pm

          Thank you so much for making my day, you have no idea <3 You're the best xxxx

  7. May 22, 2017 / 3:25 am

    ^^ thank you for being so honest. I know I probably wouldn’t have the courage to do this.
    ❤❤Em

    • May 22, 2017 / 11:45 pm

      I’ve always chosen to be honest about it because even if someone feels they can’t speak up, it’s nice to know you’re not alone! Just because you may want to keep some struggles close to your chest, doesn’t mean you’re not one of the bravest people out there! I am 100% sure you are courageous Em – thank you for leaving me such a lovely comment xxxx

  8. May 22, 2017 / 4:43 am

    I think it’s commendable that you’re being so open and honest, and I’ll admit that I’m also not doing okay at the moment. As you said, it’s important to get some time out, some space by yourself, to get some distance and perspective; I need to do this over the next week, so I hope you’re able to as well. Sending a hug your way and know that we’re all here rooting for you ♥

    • May 22, 2017 / 11:42 pm

      Oh Caz I am so sorry to hear you are not feeling okay either. You are the most genuine and kind person I have had the pleasure to meet through blogging and I wouldn’t be here without your support. You are somebody who takes out so much time for others that I suppose it is often to neglect your own well being! I hope that this week can be a new start for you and you start to feel a little better (I have dropped you a little email). Sending you lots of love and hugs back too, thank you for leaving me such a heartfelt and personal comment xxxxx

  9. May 22, 2017 / 5:01 am

    I always admire your honesty and openness about your condition, Ella. There is truly nothing you have to say sorry for.

    I’m sending you my well wishes and always know we are here to back you up always. I know it’s sounds so cliche, but we are always here for you.That’s what blogger friends are for. Wish you well, you strong beautiful soul. 💕

    • May 22, 2017 / 11:38 pm

      Wow, this actually made me cry! I have never received such an incredible amount of support from a group of people before. I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to leave this comment and really help me feel better, you have no idea the impact that it has made! You are such a beautiful soul too, I have actually screenshot this comment to keep for myself as a reminder that there is goodness in the world! xxxxx

      • May 23, 2017 / 6:01 am

        You are the sweetest. You’re welcome, Ella. 💕

  10. May 22, 2017 / 5:36 am

    Mental health is so important and the biggest priority in life is yourself and your well being. Sending lots of love and warm wishes you way.

    • May 22, 2017 / 11:27 pm

      Such a loving comment, I cannot thank you enough! You’re completely correct, well being is the most important thing to have in check, nothing truly positive can follow unless you’re happy within! xxx

  11. May 22, 2017 / 7:15 am

    Life has its highs and lows, and it’s commendable that you share them both so openly – with social media, it’s all too easy these days to assume that everyone is doing OK, when in fact they might not be beneath the surface. Sending virtual hugs your way 🙂

    • May 22, 2017 / 11:26 pm

      This was such a comforting message, thank you lovely. I totally agree with you. My social media makes it look like I am generally quite happy but in reality that isn’t the case and I’ve learnt the hard way that pretty much everyone is battling something – I just have chosen to bring that forward to a more public place and accept it as a part of me! Sending virtual hugs back! xxx

      • May 23, 2017 / 7:57 am

        My social media is much the same – I think it came as a bit of a shock to my close friends when I told them how much I was struggling out here before Christmas, as I’m not that active on social media but the things I do share don’t necessarily reflect everything else that’s going on. Everyone has their own battles to fight, but it’s nice when people help each other out and offer support (virtual or otherwise!) xx

        • May 23, 2017 / 9:29 pm

          I totally agree – I feel that if what people mainly see is the positive outlook you’ve created, they are nearly always shocked when you actually open up as people often have no idea! I am always here for support whenever you need it xxx

  12. May 22, 2017 / 9:09 am

    It’s a matter of finding coping mechanisms – it really is o.k. not to be o.k. sometimes and just feel a bit bleh…but it will pass, keep going sending love and hugs 🙂 xxx

    • May 22, 2017 / 11:23 pm

      I have learnt to try and shove it aside and keep on grinding when I know a low is about to hit/has hit and it has made me stronger as a person for sure! It just sucks really! Thank you so much for your kind words and support as always lovely xxx

  13. May 22, 2017 / 3:04 pm

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re at a low point, but I know a high point is coming your way(: life is crazy like that aha take a deep breath and you do you boo. Don’t worry about making posts happy if you don’t feel it’s genuine, we get you, we support you, we like you for you- no matter what(: sending lots of love your way bb💜

    • May 22, 2017 / 11:19 pm

      This made me well up, you have no idea how much this comment means to me. I cannot thank you enough for the support you give me no matter what, you’re the absolute best xxxx

  14. May 23, 2017 / 7:50 pm

    Hi there! I’m new to your blog, but this was so good to read. I too was diagnosed with depression (this past year). Although mine was determined to be situational, I feel like I could really relate to your post. Like you, when a negative event does occur I overreact thinking I might be sent into a depressive episode again, and thats not a good feeling. I’ve been thinking about writing a post on my blog about mental health, but I have been too nervous–so really congrats on you bravery 🙂

    • May 23, 2017 / 9:28 pm

      Hey, thank you so much for stopping by!
      I’m so sorry to hear about your diagnosis, that really sucks, honestly. I am glad that you kind of feel less alone(?) I guess in having someone in a similar situation – I have found that a lot of people find it hard to relate to because it’s quite a different type of depression. I think I overact about it too which probably doesn’t help at all! Thank you so much for being so sweet. Honestly, if you want to write about it, sometimes just writing for your own peace of mind and to let it off your chest really helps – you can always just trash it after! It doesn’t matter if the writing is public or private, it always helps! xxx

      • May 24, 2017 / 12:38 am

        That’s very true! I’ll have to take that suggestion–thanks again! 🙂

  15. May 24, 2017 / 8:44 am

    Definitely don’t apologise for posts like these! You are so brave to talk about your depression, keep fighting it! I know it isn’t the same, but I have anxiety that stops me doing a lot of things, and I can relate to you – it’s almost like life is more tiring as you are constantly fighting against bad feelings to keep yourself positive! Keep going though lovely, you have all the support! Lots of love xxxxxx

    • May 24, 2017 / 9:19 pm

      Thank you so much for stopping by lovely! It doesn’t matter that it’s not the same disorder at all, they bring on so many similar feelings at times! I am so so sorry that you live with anxiety, you’re such a strong person to talk about it and I wish you all the best with beating how it makes you feel. Sending you lots of love back!! xxxx

    • May 27, 2017 / 9:10 pm

      Thank you so much for stopping by – I’ll check the post out lovely xxx

  16. May 30, 2017 / 5:41 pm

    I hope you see the light at the end of a very dark tunnel, depression is a serious thing and I have had the black dog myself. Never apologise for it either’ stay strong xxx

  17. June 7, 2017 / 8:16 pm

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  18. June 13, 2017 / 2:48 am

    Thank you for sharing your story and updating us on how you’ve been feeling, it’s incredibly brave of you! You are certainly not alone and you inspire and are a light to sooo many others that are fighting this (or a very similar) battle! You are so strong and I hope you never forget that! Xoxo

    • June 13, 2017 / 8:31 pm

      Thank you lovely it means the world to me that you’ve said this. You are amazing xxxx

  19. June 30, 2017 / 2:10 pm

    Mental is an issue that effect everyone at some point and time.

    • July 3, 2017 / 11:51 pm

      Thank you so much for the advice and recommendation, I really appreciate it. We all get there, one day at a time! x

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  21. July 10, 2017 / 1:39 am

    I used to have severe depression and then OCD took over. Keep posting and talking about it. You’re not alone. 🙂

    • July 10, 2017 / 9:59 am

      Wow that’s an easy ride, I’m so sorry to hear. You’re very courageous and that’s all that matters! Thank you for coming across and being so open 💖

  22. July 11, 2017 / 1:19 pm

    I’m honestly speechless at how boldly you state that you are not okay NOW but you will be. It’s so refreshing and incredibly lovely to have someone be so honest about the fact that life IS a rollercoaster, and we are going to have highs and lows, regardless of being diagnosed with atypical depression – or not!
    We’re all human, we all have MENTAL HEALTH, and just like our bodies, sometimes, we’re in better mental shape than other times.
    Thank you so much for this, <3

    • July 11, 2017 / 6:02 pm

      This was such an amazing and personal comment. Thank you so so much for taking the time to stop by <3 xxxxxx

  23. July 12, 2017 / 10:19 am

    Hey! I found your blog as I am also a fellow sufferer and love your writing style! I will definitely be following along for more 🙂
    I recently started my own blog so if you could check that out and maybe share it and offer any tips on blogging that would be so appreciated.
    Hope you’re well, Amy xx

    • July 13, 2017 / 11:36 am

      Thank you so so much for stopping by, I really appreciate it. Sending my love xx

  24. July 21, 2017 / 11:18 pm

    Genuinely think you’re very brave for writing this, even if people know about your mental illness and you have discussed it before sometimes it feels like bringing it up again is the very first time you’ve ever spoken about it- it can be just as difficult a hurdle as every time before. Please keep being open and honest when you can be, keeping the conversation going means you can be constantly reminded that you are not alone while reminding other people that they aren’t either. We’re all facing our own battles but we’re also in this together xo big hugs xo

    • July 23, 2017 / 12:47 am

      Thank you so so much for stopping by and leaving this comment, it means the world. You are such a lovely and amazing person and this type of interaction is exactly why I choose to be open because I think it is just the best to have these discussions and bond with so many people. Thank you xxxx

      • July 23, 2017 / 12:55 am

        Your reply has made me a tad emotional! Keep being you and doing what you’re doing, judging by the previous comments you’re clearly genuinely helping a lot of people including myself, so thank you so much xxxx best of luck to you sweetie xxxx

        • July 23, 2017 / 1:10 am

          Ahhh you said it made you emotional!?!? I’m tearing up! I have decided to be so much more open about my mental health since this post because the response has been totally overwhelming! I have never experienced such support in my ‘real everyday life’ like I have from people like yourself and I am so glad it created a space where I can reciprocate that too! Sending you lots of love, my email is always open 🙂 xxxxxx

          • July 23, 2017 / 11:28 am

            Same to you lovely, love how being so open can spread a lot of positivity surrounding such a difficult subject xxxxx

  25. August 4, 2017 / 3:48 pm

    I’m so proud of you saying “no, I’m not okay.”, that’s the exact message I’m trying to spread through my blog, you should check it out.

    • August 5, 2017 / 3:14 pm

      That’s a perfect message to spread, your blog sounds fab! Thank you so much for commenting and taking the time to understand what I’m going through xx

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